If you're a lifelong city-slicker headed bush in search of the Eighth Wonder of the World, there are three things you really should have: a map, a clue and a reasonable level of sobriety. Oops.

I came for a tan and the world’s biggest pina colada. What I got were monsoons, shipwrecks and a covert operation to claim Thailand’s most beautiful beach. Yup, just another week in paradise.

Three weeks of budget-shredding bliss through homeless Newcastle, star-studded London, sleepy Scotland and steamy Bahrain with a maxed out credit card and the world’s most unlikely tour guide.

I may have come searching for my Middle Eastern roots in the land of veils and saffron, but it’s orange blossoms, mosques and accusations of international espionage that I find. Surprised?